I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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