my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
