Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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