Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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