Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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