I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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