i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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