I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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