please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
