Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
