I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
PANTIES FOUND
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