the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
