I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
