You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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