i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
