a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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