No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
