he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
