i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
