Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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