If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
