I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
