I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
