You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
