He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
