dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
