thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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