my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
