I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
