I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
