Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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