You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
