Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
