I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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