Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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