I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
