Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
