I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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