My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
