GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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