Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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