just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just invented taco cereal.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
