Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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