I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
