Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
