I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
