My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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