his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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