So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
