Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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