i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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