He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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