I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
